28th July 2010
Dear Sam Worthington,
I watched Clash of the Titans yesterday and it was good. It wasn’t awesome, but it was definitely good. I just thought I’d write to you to give you a few pointers that might help for future roles. I hope you take them on board and don’t find them too critical – I have some experience of the film industry, having been on Saturday Kitchen and Rachel Allen’s Bake, so I know what I’m talking about. Anyway, my comments are below:
1) Don’t bother with accents. No, really.
2) Blue cats are a no-no but then I guess there’s a sequel – and a sh*tload of money – to be made so feel free to skip that one.
3) Try a different haircut.
4) Wear more leather skirts. This will help a lot.
5) Lastly – my advice isn’t free. It costs one signed photo.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
11th July 2010
Dear Richard Ayoade,
I was in a meeting the other day and what with it being pretty boring I found myself doodling and it wasn’t until I tried to decipher my notes that I found I had inadvertently drawn you, off of The IT Crowd (see attached). What do you reckon?
Perhaps you could send me a signed photo in exchange?
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
6th July 2010
Dear George Michaels,
I read in the paper today that you crashed into a shop in your car. Maybe for your own safety you should think about catching the bus? I hear in London you can use oysters as currency on most public transport and what with you being rich I bet you can get hold of a load of them. They sell them in Loch Fyne up our way, but I don’t go in for them much, I think they taste a bit like jizz. You Londoners are crazy.
Please send me a signed photo, I collect them from people who have had car crashes. So far I’ve only got Richard Hammond and he’s not really all that.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
4th July 2010
Dear Ruth Jones,
I promise not to write ‘oh what’s occuring’ or anything else Nessa-related (that doesn’t count) as I am quite aware that it must piss you right off when you hear it all day long and to read it in a letter isn’t any more novel. Although it’s so very tempting.
Anyway, Steve and I have just finished another Gavin & Stacey marathon, which means we have watched all three series and the Christmas special in a weekend. It’s easily done, on account of you can’t really stop at just one episode. It’s very moreish. Like Red Stripe or Maltesers. Or maybe crack, I’m not sure, I’ve never had it, but I’ve heard that I won’t be able to stop once I start, it’s that good.
So the reason for my letter, Ruth, is firstly to let you know we have some stuff in common (listed below):
1) You wrote Gavin & Stacey; I’ve got a brother called Gavin
2) You went to Warwick University; I had that as my third choice, after Leeds then Birmingham and anyway I went to the castle there with school one time
3) Ruth has four letters in it; so does Lucy
4) I read on Wikipedia that you live near Wakefield; I live in Leeds
So there you have it. That took a fair bit of research – perhaps you could send me a signed photograph and then the next time you come to Leeds Steve and I could buy you a Starbucks. Or a Red Stripe. Or they do cherry beer at The Angel, although it often smells of wet dog in there.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
1st July 2010
Dear Philip Seymour Hoffman,
I recently watched The Boat That Rocked, even though, if I’m honest, I’d mostly let it pass me by in typical ‘oh no not another Richard Curtis film’ fashion. But then we were at Steve’s parents’ house and his dad had got The Boat That Rocked on DVD for Father’s Day and so we all watched it and do you know what, Philip? I laughed so much I cried and also nearly weed a bit. So I’d like to apologise for not watching it sooner.
I wanted to ask you, have you seen Gavin and Stacey? There’s this bit in series three where Pam is talking about Doubt and she calls you the big strawberry blond fella from Patch Adams, Philip Dustin Hoffman. Do you know, I forgot that your name was actually Philip Seymour Hoffman for a bit.
Actually, I’ve realised I have seen a lot of your films. I think mostly I liked them all, even Synecdoche, New York, which is proper mental, but perhaps not so much Punch Drunk Love, which I bought on DVD but sold on MusicMagpie. I think it only got me fifty pence though, so I was thinking if you sent me a signed photograph that would probably serve as suitable recompense? Good-o, looking forward to receiving it.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
