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1st February 2010
Dear Craig Charles,
My cousin came up from London Town to visit me at the weekend and was all a flutter because she had found out that a certain Dave Lister would be at The Elbow Room on Saturday night playing some funk and soul, and so even though I was super poorly after drinking too much wine I made it there for 9pm, because that’s the time the flyer said on it. And so we waited for a bit and then it got to 10pm, and we thought ‘ooh he’ll be on now!’ and then at 11pm I remembered reading ‘11pm’ somewhere on the flyer and so we got well excited thinking ‘he’ll be on now, you just wait!’ and then you didn’t come on til after midnight and by then I thought I was going to cry because my hangover paranoia had kicked in and people were looking at me funny, I swear it.
So basically, we danced for about an hour or so and then my feet hurt and my tummy hurt and my head hurt and it smelt a bit of B.O. and everyone else was drunk and even though the music was well funky and that we went home because basically it was way past our bedtime. When we came into town we used our Dayriders and to be honest I was hoping we could use them home but by then we were nearly two hours too late, so thanks for that.
I was going to ask you to reimburse me the £8.20 I had to pay for a taxi thanks to your lateness but instead I’ll accept a signed photo please, thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
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19th January 2009
Dear Myleene Klass,
I have been reading with some horror about the appalling way you were treated by the police. You were simply trying to protect yourself and your family within your own home – surely they can see that? So what if you waved a knife at the ‘intruder’ that you ’saw at your window’? It’s not like you stabbed anyone or drowned a kitten or anything – they should totally just leave you alone.
And so what if it was your agent that leaked the whole story to The Sun? It’s the principle of the thing, isn’t it? Everyone should have the right to bear arms, particularly in their own home. That always makes me think of someone on a market stall shouting ‘Bear arms! Get your bear arms here, two for a fiver, nice and furry!’ which I know is a bit off topic, sorry. Back to you and your terrifying incident.
Isn’t it weird how there are always two sides to every story? Like how the police force have apparently said they didn’t tell you off at all and were all friendly and nice and that and worried for your safety but then they’re probably lying, yeah, stupid rozzers. Can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, can you? Oink oink, etc etc.
If you’re not to traumatised by the whole saga, please send me a signed photograph. Then I can look at your smily face and feel comforted in the knowledge that you’re out there somewhere with your mad knife skills ready to get all the baddies.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
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