14th June 2009
Dear Simon Rimmer,
I saw you limping on Something For The Weekend recently – did you hurt your leg? How did you do it? I hurt mine the other week too, I accidentally tried to climb out of a window after ten pints, because it looked like it might be fun to shout ‘Frank The Tank’ at passers-by from someone’s roof. I never managed it though, on account of my leg snapped back and my knee swelled up to the size of a watermelon, pretty much. Fortunately the ten pints helped me with the pain for at least twelve hours, but then I couldn’t work out why I couldn’t walk in the morning. I’m no doctor or chef, but I think it was because of the knee. Knee hurts are bad, m’kay?
I don’t mean to be rude, but what happened to your hair? I like your shiny head though, it suits you. I don’t think I could pull off a shiny head. Do you use some kind of polish on it? Like Soul Glo off of that Eddie Murphy film?
Do you have any bacon sandwich tips you could impart please? My friend Steve makes mexican bacon sandwiches. The secret is in the guacamole.
So anyway, please could you send me a signed photograph? I have one of Gordon f****** Ramsay, and one of James Martin, and a signed apron from Rachel Allen, and I think with a signed photo of you I’ll be close to completing my celebrity chef collection. I’ll even put yours at the front of the scrap book.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
