7th January 2010
Dear Alec Daniel William Stephen Baldwin,
Well I never! You are on Celebrity Big Brother in England! I don’t mean to be rude, what with you being a famous actor and everything, and what with me being about to ask you for a signed photograph and all, but what the hell are you doing? You were in The Usual Suspects, for goodness’s sake, you don’t need to stoop to these levels! Everyone loves a Baldwin! Apart from those South Park chaps. They, apparently, don’t. I think it might be Daniel William Alec that gets a bit of a rough deal in that film with the puppets. Ah well, you can’t win ‘em all. I know what it’s like, I was on Bake and Saturday Kitchen (and, going further back, Clegg’s People, when I was eleven – a child star, you might say), and sometimes people just can’t take the jealousy of fame. Folk are always going on about my red cardigan and I just have to say to them, ‘Listen. Some people just aren’t meant to be celebrities. And that’s ok. There are other things they can be, like bus drivers and air hostesses. It’s just the way of the world.’ Generally, that does the trick. Sometimes they laugh at me, but I can tell it’s an act to hide their tears of frustration and disappointment that they’ll never be famous.
Anyway, Stephen, I just wanted to say, despite the depths to which you appear to have sunk now you’ve crossed the reality TV line, I’m still your biggest fan. It would be really lovely if you could send me a signed photo, either of you and your brothers or just on your own, whichever. Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Lucy Knight
