Dear Sam Worthington,

I watched Clash of the Titans yesterday and it was good. It wasn’t awesome, but it was definitely good. I just thought I’d write to you to give you a few pointers that might help for future roles. I hope you take them on board and don’t find them too critical – I have some experience of the film industry, having been on Saturday Kitchen and Rachel Allen’s Bake, so I know what I’m talking about. Anyway, my comments are below:

1) Don’t bother with accents. No, really.
2) Blue cats are a no-no but then I guess there’s a sequel – and a sh*tload of money – to be made so feel free to skip that one.
3) Try a different haircut.
4) Wear more leather skirts. This will help a lot.
5) Lastly – my advice isn’t free. It costs one signed photo.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Richard Ayoade,

I was in a meeting the other day and what with it being pretty boring I found myself doodling and it wasn’t until I tried to decipher my notes that I found I had inadvertently drawn you, off of The IT Crowd (see attached). What do you reckon?

Perhaps you could send me a signed photo in exchange?

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear George Michaels,

I read in the paper today that you crashed into a shop in your car. Maybe for your own safety you should think about catching the bus? I hear in London you can use oysters as currency on most public transport and what with you being rich I bet you can get hold of a load of them. They sell them in Loch Fyne up our way, but I don’t go in for them much, I think they taste a bit like jizz. You Londoners are crazy.

Please send me a signed photo, I collect them from people who have had car crashes. So far I’ve only got Richard Hammond and he’s not really all that.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Ruth Jones,

I promise not to write ‘oh what’s occuring’ or anything else Nessa-related (that doesn’t count) as I am quite aware that it must piss you right off when you hear it all day long and to read it in a letter isn’t any more novel. Although it’s so very tempting.

Anyway, Steve and I have just finished another Gavin & Stacey marathon, which means we have watched all three series and the Christmas special in a weekend. It’s easily done, on account of you can’t really stop at just one episode. It’s very moreish. Like Red Stripe or Maltesers. Or maybe crack, I’m not sure, I’ve never had it, but I’ve heard that I won’t be able to stop once I start, it’s that good.

So the reason for my letter, Ruth, is firstly to let you know we have some stuff in common (listed below):

1) You wrote Gavin & Stacey; I’ve got a brother called Gavin
2) You went to Warwick University; I had that as my third choice, after Leeds then Birmingham and anyway I went to the castle there with school one time
3) Ruth has four letters in it; so does Lucy
4) I read on Wikipedia that you live near Wakefield; I live in Leeds

So there you have it. That took a fair bit of research – perhaps you could send me a signed photograph and then the next time you come to Leeds Steve and I could buy you a Starbucks. Or a Red Stripe. Or they do cherry beer at The Angel, although it often smells of wet dog in there.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Philip Seymour Hoffman,

I recently watched The Boat That Rocked, even though, if I’m honest, I’d mostly let it pass me by in typical ‘oh no not another Richard Curtis film’ fashion. But then we were at Steve’s parents’ house and his dad had got The Boat That Rocked on DVD for Father’s Day and so we all watched it and do you know what, Philip? I laughed so much I cried and also nearly weed a bit. So I’d like to apologise for not watching it sooner.

I wanted to ask you, have you seen Gavin and Stacey? There’s this bit in series three where Pam is talking about Doubt and she calls you the big strawberry blond fella from Patch Adams, Philip Dustin Hoffman. Do you know, I forgot that your name was actually Philip Seymour Hoffman for a bit.

Actually, I’ve realised I have seen a lot of your films. I think mostly I liked them all, even Synecdoche, New York, which is proper mental, but perhaps not so much Punch Drunk Love, which I bought on DVD but sold on MusicMagpie. I think it only got me fifty pence though, so I was thinking if you sent me a signed photograph that would probably serve as suitable recompense? Good-o, looking forward to receiving it.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Dawn French

I am writing on behalf of Steve, who can’t write to you himself on account of he is currently recovering from a debilitating case of laziness.

He was very upset to hear about your split from Lenny Henry (as was I), and we both hope it had nothing to do with staying in Premier Inns because we are staying in one in September when we go to the Wirral for Steve’s boss’s wedding, and also I am staying in one later this month when I go to Norwich on business, so we’d just like to make sure that Premier Inns weren’t a factor as we seem to be staying in an awful lot of them too and we don’t want to jinx anything, but Travelodges simply don’t cut the mustard, I’m sure you’ll agree. I’d go for a Holiday Inn but there aren’t any where we’re going so Premier Inns it’ll have to be.

Just to set our minds at rest it would be nice if you could send Steve a signed photo please. It might help him recover quicker. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

P.S. Being single can be fun, there is this club called Spice that do all sorts of activities like hiking and cycling. They also have curry nights and pub quizzes if you’re not that into, you know, sport. So maybe give them a try!

Dear David Bowie,

I am writing to request a signed photograph, which I promise not to sell on eBay. I am actually a bit scared of eBay and its garish primary-colouredness, and the overuse of exclamation marks, and the risk of money-laundering scams… basically, your photo will be kept by me, and coveted by Steve, and that will be it. Although I can see us getting it out the photo album when we have guests, to show off and that, because a signed photo of David Bowie’s a pretty swish conversation starter, you’ve got to admit.

Anyway, I also wanted to let you know that my dog, Lisa, who died a few years ago, was a border collie. ‘So what?’ I hear you cry. Well, I’ll tell you ‘so what’, David Bowie, hold your horses! Border collies happen to be a breed of dog who are occasionally affected by heterochromia, which as you and I both know, means they have two differently coloured eyes. Like you! And Lisa! So there you have it – we’ve got something in common! So you definitely should send me a signed photo. And should you need a further reason to, I think all I need to say is ‘Labyrinth’. And maybe add ‘those tights’. I reckon they alone warranted a 12 rating rather than Universal but you must have had a fan on the BBFC.

Thanks in advance,

Lucy Knight

Dear Robert Zemeckis,

I am writing to express my gratitude to you, on account of you are partly responsible for bringing the joys of the Back to the Future franchise to our lives (and I’m not using the Royal ‘we’ here, I’m talking about the whole damn world). Seriously. The eighties were a tricky time for me. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, dealing in Garbage Pail Kids stickers and black market Beano comics, and if I’m honest, things looked bleak. Then, I hit six years old and somehow, I don’t remember how, Back to the Future came down from the heavens as my saviour. I truly saw the light, and it was shaped like a Delorean.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I quit my candy cigarette habit, got some help and was back on track by the age of seven, and I honestly believe it’s down to you, Mr J. Fox and co. As a token of my appreciation and to celebrate and acknowledge twenty years clean thanks to you guys, I got a flux capacitor tattoo, and even though it meant my mum and dad stopped speaking to me for a little while it was worth it.

What I thought would be really cool, Rob, would be if you could send me a signed photograph. If you could send me one of you and Michael J. Fox that would be brilliant, because he hasn’t sent me one even though I wrote to him. He must be too busy or something to pick up a pen, but no matter, if it’s just a signed photo of you I would still be super happy, because you are Mr BTTF, 4EVA, amen.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear James Corden,

I read in the Daily Mail the other week that you managed to blag not getting a parking ticket by giving the traffic warden your autograph and for this you deserve a high five. Before I congratulate you further I’d like to establish that I only read the Daily Mail on the internet, I don’t buy it, and I read it in the same way people read the National Enquirer or the Beano. I am not a DailyMailReader. God no. But I wouldn’t have read about your triumph over the evils of Traffic-Wardenism if I hadn’t read the Daily Mail that day so it’s all right.

Anyway, I am writing to you because I too have had a few run-ins with traffic wardens and I too have been victorious, so I thought that because we have this in common you could send me a signed photo.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Your Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama,

How are you? I am fine. Apart from I have been having some problems with my eyes, namely that of late I keep falling asleep in my contact lenses and then waking up with pinkeye, and my glasses are broken (the left nose resty bit’s snapped off) so I think I’m going to have to get some new ones. Where did you get yours from? Did you go to Specsavers? Do they have Specsavers in Tibet? They do two for one you know.

Also, I wanted to ask you if being reincarnated gets a bit boring. Because it sounds awfully tricky, and like it might not be fun. I mean, when you were born, did you know you used to be that other guy that was the Dalai Lama before you, and the one before him, and the one before him and so on? Were you sat in your cot looking at your teddies thinking ‘this is rubbish, I’m the Dalai Lama, the top dude in Buddhism, what am I doing in a nappy?’ I imagine it can be frustrating. My Nana (who used to watch Coronation Street and make the most awesome scones and eccles cakes) died and then a week later my cousin had a baby and we all thought that maybe it was Nana reincarnated, but I’m not so sure because she didn’t recognise me and she still hasn’t made me any scones.

Anyway, I heard about the troubles with China, so I’m going to boycott Chinese food as part of the cause. Free Tibet! And please could you send me a signed photograph?

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight